How to leave a marriage with kids

How to leave a marriage with kids

Do you feel that you are in a marriage that isn’t working?

Do you think that you have stayed in this relationship longer as you share children? Perhaps your friends and family are even telling you to “stay together for the kids,” but is that really the right call?

Are you unsure how to leave your relationship without it turning into a severe emotional battle for both Parents and Kids?

Should you try to make the marriage work, or will you and the kids be happier if not stuck in a  tense household where every little huff and puff and eye roll affects them as much as yelling and screaming.

When discussing topics with your partner it is important to remember, you will get what you give. This means that if you yell, they will yell, so to get started try your best to keep your cool. If your partner is growing angry and frustrated don’t match their way of speech. Remain calm (as hard as it may be) as if you both yell, you are effecting your children and your wasting your time and your emotional well-being  to be honest. Tell them that they can still say what they want to say in a calmer way for the sake of the children.

Just because your marriage may be ending doesn’t mean your relationship will end. If you have a child or children together, you will always be parents, and it is your responsibility to create a new relationship as co-parents.

Keep in mind though that as Dr Phil says  “If you want out of a marriage, you need to earn your way out.”It is important to walk away knowing that you truly gave it you are all.

If you think the answer is yes, however you never attended couples counselling, you may be kidding yourself. Forming a relationship  and breaking up, take time and effort. If you have kids, you owe it to them and to yourselves to know that you gave your marriage, your all.

If there is another party in this situation, remember the grass may look greener today however there are always weeds. Working on your Marriage breakup is very important and ducking your head in the sand and moving onto a new relationship, may effect your relationship with your children who need you right now.

Ask yourself, are you emotionally ready to move onto the next phase in your life? 

If you are still asking yourself if you are doing the right thing, then perhaps this is a sign that you are not ready to move on. This is especially the case for the person who has not instigated the separation and may feel confusion.

If you have been to counselling and worked on your break-up, here are some tips for leaving a marriage, without sabotaging the parent-child bond.

Have you considered your legal rights and obligations?

Divorce involves money, custody issues, child support, spousal support, and so much more. Now is the time to educate, protect and empower yourself; until you’ve done that, you’re not ready.

As an example,

  • Do you know how many bank accounts you have as a couple and individually?
  • Any other marital assets you might be entitled to?
  • Does it matter who moves out first?

Consult with a solicitor as you explore the option of divorce and then go and get a 2nd opinion.  If the solicitors are not saying the same thing, it’s time for a 3rd opinion.

Decide a time to tell the children together 

Tell them that you have decided that Mummy will have a house and Daddy will have a different house, but that it doesn’t change anything about your love for them. Tell the kids that they will always have loving homes.

Make sure they know that separation or divorce has nothing to do with them. You need to be able to say, `Look, we did everything we could do. We went to counsellors, we read books and blogs, we tried and we decided it was best for everybody if we live separately but love you, kids, together.’” If you can’t say that with peace in your heart, you’re not ready to get divorced and co-parent.

It’s then really important to stop talking and really listen to your children and how they are feeling. Be sure to give them that opportunity as without this moment. Ask them if they have any question and leave plenty of time for them to think and answer. Children may have pent up upset that may transpire in naughty behaviour or similar if they do not have an open relationship with you.

 

Negotiate out of court when possible

Very calmly and clearly discuss the particulars of what will happen in the divorce, especially with regards to the kids. The more you can decide what’s best out of court, the better and otherwise the only winner is the Rich Solicitor who just took your hard earned cash. Now is a good time to use your common sense and not your emotions.

Remember if you yell and scream, then you will be met with yelling and screaming, this is a very important conversation you will need to be an understanding and fair adult. It may mean a lot of giving and taking, but it’ll be better than the stress and uncertainty of what could happen when a judge gets involved.

Counselling and working through the problems of separation can help people through this difficult time.

COUNSELLING PROGRAMS can help people who are separating and/or divorcing, to deal with their grief and anger, Counselling may help you to manage the grief and loss associated with a relationship breakdown and gain the strength to consider a new relationship with your Ex.

In reality, many people live happily, fulfilled lives following a relationship breakdown. Some people choose to re-partner and many do not. There is no right way.

Create separate positive and happy homes 

Your plan on leaving a marriage with children is made. What’s next

Mutually create traditions in each household.

Make sure to spend lots of quality time with your children and show an interest in the things they like to do.

Support the other parent as much as possible and never badmouth them. Meeting up for pick up/drop off, you don’t have to be chatty, but remain calm and positive. Respect the call/text rules you set up so as to keep in contact but not interfere with the other parents’ time with your children.

Discuss thing like how much Ipad and IT time is allowed in each household. If one parent says no to a Facebook account, the other needs to respect that they are doing this because they love their child and wish to keep them out of harm way. Please do not get in the trap of point-scoring with the kids, as the loser will be your child.

When you first start living separately, it will be a difficult change for the children. They may act out. Acknowledge that this may be happening because they are hurting and talk and listen to them. If necessary, arrange concealing for your child, ever if they say they do not need it. They might surprise themselves.

You don’t have to like them today, however you must forgive them today for the sake of moving forward. 

One of the worst things you can do after a divorce is, hold a grudge against your spouse indefinitely. If your spouse can’t let go of the grudge, that does not mean that you have to hold onto yours as you are in control of your happiness.

Your children are not your divorce confidant

No matter what their age, they are not the best friend which you should be sharing any information with regarding your true feelings about your Ex and the separation or divorce. Kids should not be put in a position where they have to help a parent cope and survive the turmoil.If you find yourself doing this, please stop!

If you feel your Ex did something to end the relationship, you don’t have to like what they did, however for the sake of your family, forgiveness will enable you to live a happier new life instead of being trapped in the pI implore you to ask yourself, “how is holding a grudge working for you? Are you happy holding onto these negative feelings? Are they affecting your relationship with others around you in your new single life”?

Exhale, let go, love yourself and your children and create a happy life for your new family life. 

If you are in a Violent or Abusive relationship and need help THIS ARTICLE MAY ASSIST YOU.

 

Leave a comment

Please note, comments need to be approved before they are published.